21/04/07

Today, I feel an ache in my heart that I can't drown out with music, food, chocolate, funny films or any other means (I haven't yet tried hitting the crackpipe, but I hear it is mightily efficacious!). (ps: that was humour, in case you are a random reader.. Drugs are bad, kids, mmmkay?).
As you get older, things accumulate. Not just physical things, stored away at the backs of drawers and in dusty boxes, but memories, scars (physical and emotional), and wisdom, usually born of our mistakes.

Sometimes life can be so complicated, and the sad truth is that, much of the time, it is we ourselves who make things so complicated. Today I feel an overwhelming urge to just draw close to God, to lay all my cares and troubles at His feet.. I want to rest in His presence, but I can't depend on being filled with the joy of the Holy Spirit, or being on a spiritual high.

But what I CAN depend on is God's word. Sometimes, sadness, loneliness, desperation or hopelessness will strike. Sometimes, when we need Him more than anything else in the world, it seems He is silent, and there is just a blank where that sense of God's presence used to be.
But, we always have His word, full of His promises to us, reassuring us of His covenant with us.

I feel quite ashamed that I have so often just left my bible lying unopened nearby, finding anything to do BUT read God's word. It's a subtle attack, when thing after thing becomes somehow more appealing or absorbing than spending time seeking more after God.
When I think about it, it's easy for us to feel sad or frustrated, feeling that God is distant when we need Him most. But what occurs to me as I write this is; what about how WE make ourselves distant to God?

God has so much to show us, to teach us, to correct us about.. He longs to draw closer to us, to reveal more of His character to us, but what do we do? He has given us His word, like His own personal diary to read, full of details about who He is, what He really wants from us, what makes Him happy, what makes Him sad, all the things He longs to give us and teach us, and the way He intended us to live our lives.

I imagine you could count on one hand the number of Christians in our church old and new, who haven't at some time or other neglected their bible study. It's the great secret we tend to hide, and it seems no-one wants to own up to it, but if this is you, rest assured we all do it at some time or other. Although, as we all know, two wrongs don't make a right :p

So, I confess to whoever is reading, that I am fully guilty of this.
But I set myself a goal this year, to set about equipping myself to do God's work, not waiting on the next church workshop but taking this as both my own responsibility and indeed my duty. And the method is twofold:
1) To draw closer to God through prayer and obedience, growing the inner man.
and
2) To become firmly rooted and established in God's word, in order to grow in knowledge, and to be convicted and enabled through grace to grow correspondingly in living it out.

And I have found my bible study to be essential in all of this. When I hear questions asked by new or non-Christians that I don't know the answer to, I want to get the answer straight from the source. When I feel my understanding of a certain topic is lacking, I know that the answers I need are all in there somewhere. It would help if I had a study bible or concordance, but I don't so I have to find things the hard way.. Guess what my next book purchase is going to be? :p

And a free lollipop to the first one who can tell me how many times I said "God's word" in this blog entry :D